The REAL Star of Super Bowl XLV

Have you met Brett Keisel's beard?

It's gotten so long and beautiful that it's more like the hair on one's head than actual facial hair.  And despite the fact that the Pittsburgh Steelers have a chubby rapist as their quarterback whom I have actively despised for this entire year, I now find myself leaning more toward rooting for them in the Super Bowl.

That's one powerful beard. 

 

A beard which is so wholesome and pure, it almost absorbs the stain of a fat goat quarterback who refuses to understand what "no" means after three beers at the club.

Ben Roethlisberger

 

 

A beard which is so masculine and admirable that it can outshine the incessant stammering and dirty conduct of a cocky little gnome bitch receiver like Hines Ward.

Hines Ward

A beard which embodies the wholesome blue-collar heritage of the Pittsburgh Steelers, the town, and their fans.

old-school Bradshaw

A beard which is such a mighty warrior on the battlefield, that it makes one realize how boring it would be to root for the other team's quarterback, because after all...he is already his own biggest fan.

Aaron Rodgers

To top it all off, some of the other Steelers players have started growing beards in honor of Keisel's magnificent 8th Wonder of the World.  So during NFL Network's media day coverage, I got to watch Deion Sanders run around mocking everyone's facial hair while dressed in a giant cartoon pimp's suit.

"Urrn!"

What a strange yet fascinating culture we've morphed into.

So The Bearded One stands corrected...I will be watching Super Bowl XLV...though there are but two people I will be rooting for:

Brett Keisel:

and Brett Keisel's Beard:

"Batman 3" Gets Some Villains....

I've been hot on getting some news from The Dark Knight Rises which is the poorly-named sequel to The Dark Knight and Batman Begins, so I was happy to learn today that Mr. Nolan has finally cast his new villains since we supposedly won't be seeing anymore of Two-Face or the Joker.


Tom Hardy as Bane:

Tom Hardy

I really don't remember Tom Hardy from anything besides Inception, although he seems to have garnished praise for his role in a movie called Bronson, and despite appearing in a few flicks I enjoyed like Black Hawk Down, Band of Brothers, and Layer Cake.  Maybe he has a forgettable face, I dunno.  I thought he did a hell of a job in Inception though, but he didn't look like a big bastard.  The above shot from the movie Bronson however seems to match him perfectly to the man who breaks the Bat, BANE.

Bane kicking Batman's ass.

Look I'll be honest here and say that Bane annoys the shit out of me in the comics.  I enjoyed the Knightfall series, but really, that came out when I was like 12 years old.  Since then they've regurgitated the character over and over, and at one point he even reformed and teamed up to help Batman.

Gay.

"Schumacher smash franchise!"

But hey, it's Christopher Fucking Nolan.  He earned that middle name, not by finally giving us a near-perfect origin story of Batman, but by following it up with a flawless sequel, which is mathematically impossible.  And if that didn't do it, then a kick-ass movie like Inception seals the deal.  So despite my hatred for Bane, I'm sure Mr. Nolan will think of something incredibly badass, and I'll probably be one of the first of many nerds to own a Bane action figure or something stupid like that.

Also, seeing as how the Scarecrow and the Joker were both more of your "psychological" villains, maybe the appearance of Bane means we'll see some serious brawling, which is always fun because that BaleBatman knows some mean fucking martial arts (like that double-fisted-head-butt thing he did to the Joker in Dark Knight.  Awesome).


Anne Hathaway as Catwoman

Oh I would glaze her doughnut holes...

You can't really like Batman without liking Catwoman, seeing as she's really more of a sidekick than anything else.  It's cosmic with these two...they're meant to be together despite their different paths in life.  It's fucking Shakespearean. 

You know they screw while wearing those...and you know it's hawt.

"I'm sorry!  It'll wash out!"

So it goes without saying that my problem with this one isn't Catwoman.  I was actually rooting for a Nolan version of her this time around, so that's great and-----

wait...holy shit I never knew Julie Newmar had such a rocking ass.  Mother of God that woman was built like an executive shithouse!  That's a perfect ass!

My problem with this one is Anne Hathaway.  She just absolutely annoys the living fuck out of me.  There's not a single movie she's in that I like.  Get Smart was decent, but forgettable.  Plus I made the mistake of reading an Entertainment Weekly interview with her and that douchetool Jake Gyllenhaal while they were filming Love and Other Drugs.  She's one of these broads who convinces herself that getting nude and screwed on-screen is artistic and completely non-sexual, which is the dumbest goddamn thing I've ever heard anyone say.  I understand that acting is a form of art.  And I understand that nudity isn't necessarily sexual. 

Me has studied film and theatre b4.

But if you take your clothes off and simulate getting plowed then you have also entered the realm of eroticism, which is a distant neighbor to porn, which shares an apartment with smut, who is the son of snuff-films although they're estranged and don't talk much.

Okay that's a stretch...but the chick is annoying as hell.  And it probably didn't help that Gyllenhaal was part of the interview, because anytime he opens his mouth stupid spills out all over the fucking place.  Yes yes, you were in Donnie Darko and nobody "gets it".  Congratulations. 

Regardless of that however, the more I see of this broad, the more I realize she's probably the closest living embodiment of Selina Kyle (Catwoman) there is.  In Hollywood, at least. 

Sensual.  Check.

Giant fucking almond eyes.  Check.

Side-boob.  Check.

Subtext which represents a true spirit of resilience and----boobs....

Sweet Seven-Eleven that woman is hawt.  I'm not sure why but in my mind's eye I always pictured her as the typical flat-chested, built-like-a-12-year-old-boy Hollywood actress but apparently this woman is blessed in all of the right places.  She will undoubtedly look incredible in a catsuit.  Hell, I will probably Netflix Love and Other Drugs now, just to rub one out when the girlfriend isn't available. 

So there we have it.  The villains are in-place, and The Dark Knight Rises starts shooting this May in Detroit (which will look perfectly grungy and..."Detroit-y").  I believe the entire cast is returning, even Morgan Freeman, and the release date is set for July 20th, 2012.

I just peed a little.

Oh, So THAT'S What Happened....

So "The Luckiest Man in Hollywood" goes on The Ellen Show the other day and----

Hmm?

Why, Seth Rogen of course.  

Yeah yeah yeah, he's a pretty good writer.  Doesn't mean he should act in the stuff he writes.  Tarantino's a genius but that doesn't mean he should've played Richie Gecko.

So anyway, instead of plugging his new movie The Green Hornet, Rogen chose to devote a large part of his trip to The Ellen Show towards making fun of George Lucas, which is an activity that in many circles has replaced talking politics, asking about one another's day, movie night, and yes---even plugging a multi-million dollar trainwreck of a movie.  It's a fucking blast, because the plaid-clad retard makes himself a very easy target, yet it's not "evil" like picking on a real retard because the bastard's rich, and he genuinely believes he is still the genius he was in 1982. 

"The next Indy should take place in space...."

That's what makes it fun.  It's kinda the same principle that makes it fun to see Aaron Rodgers get his head taken off. 

So apparently Rogen was at a meeting of Hollywood big-wigs recently, and got the chance to sit down with both George Lucas and Steven Spielberg---which 25 years ago would've made me splooge in my pants, but today would prompt me to toss more questions than praise:

"What kind of drugs did you have Ford on when he agreed to Crystal Skull?"

 

Long story short, Lucas spends the entire time of their visit talking about how the world will end in 2012.  According to Rogen, the man truly believes this beyond the shadow of a doubt:

“George Lucas sits down and seriously proceeds to talk for around 25 minutes about how he thinks the world is gonna end in the year 2012, like, for real. He thinks it. He’s going on about the tectonic plates and all the time Spielberg is, like, rolling his eyes, like, ’My nerdy friend won’t shut up, I’m sorry'… I first thought he (Lucas) was joking… and then I totally realized he was serious and then I started thinking, ’If you’re George Lucas and you actually think the world is gonna end in a year, there’s no way you haven’t built a spaceship for yourself… So I asked him… ’Can I have a seat on it?’ He claimed he didn’t have a spaceship, but there’s no doubt there’s a Millennium Falcon in a garage somewhere with a pilot just waiting to go… It’s gonna be him and Steven Spielberg and I’ll be blown up like the rest of us.”

(read the full story here)

Now when The Bearded One heard this...it was actually a bit of a relief.  After all, this finally explains just what exactly has happened to Star Wars.  

Why the Prequel Trilogy's plot made zero sense.

Why the Prequels felt rushed and the stories conflicted with everything else he had ever established.  

Why we have idiot hack writers in the "Expanded Universe" being granted permission to throw anything they want into the Star Wars timeline and have it deemed as "canon" by The Plaided One.  

"Even non-Nazis agree:  I should be burned!"

Why shitty video games are being given the permission to completely rewrite the origins of the original Star Wars movies by having some douchebag hack character start the Rebel Alliance, and by having the same douchebag hack move Star Destroyers with his Jedi powers when it took Yoda everything he had to lift a fucking X-Wing out of the mud in Empire.

"The green bar shows how much I suck."

And why we have a shitty animated series on Cartoon Network attempting to provide all of the action and excitement that the new films failed to offer....

It's more than obvious now that Lucas has been rushing all of this shit out, ready or not, since 1999 because he plans on milking Star Wars for everything it's worth and then bailing off of it and into the confines of his Biblical ark, or spaceship, or bunker, or douche-dome, or whatever at the very last second before the entire world's population is destroyed in 2012, and then presumably there will be no one left standing around to point at this contrived abortion called Star Wars and ask him,

"What'd you DO, Richard?"

And not only does this anecdote provide another interesting argument for the case that "after great wealth and power always comes insanity," but it finally explains why the bastard chose to take something he was once so passionate about, yank it's pants down, and then sodomize it violently in front of God and everyone.  

As if this generation of kids would admire a public sodomizing as much as my generation admired the Original Star Wars Trilogy.

(P.S.---they don't.)

The intriguing thing about the 2012 Doomsday Theory is that none of us will really know until 2013 whether or not it was true.  But let's say the vast and more sane majority of us are right, and we all survive...... 

At the very least, I will expect a fucking apology from George Lucas.  

The New Spider-Man: Not As Gay As Advertised?

When Sony announced they were shit-canning Sam Raimi and Tobey Maguire and giving the Spider-Man series a reboot, a great many nerds everywhere cried out in terror...and then were suddenly silenced (yes, like the people of Alderaan.  Very good.).

The Bearded One was happy, however.  Look, the first one was pretty good for the time, considering I never thought Spider-Man could be translated to the screen in a somewhat believable and entertaining way.  But the critically-adored Spider-Man 2 was a fucking trainwreck of huggy-feely wah wah wah my pussy hurts and such.  And Spider-Man 3 has endured enough punishment so I'll let that one speak for itself.

So I for one was glad to hear they were starting over.  I mean, I'll take Batman any day over a nerd with web-shooters, but in general I enjoy comic book movies.  But I never liked Maguire that much.  The guy gives me douche-chills.  

And Kirsten Dunst?  She ain't a bad actress.  But I don't know how we went from this:

By the amazing J.Scott Campbell

To this:

"I smell like cabbage."

So it was good to hear the series was getting a fresh start.  We get another shot at Venom.  We get another less "Robin Hood-y" version of The Sandman.  We get a less chubby version of Doctor Octopus.  And as much as I like Willem Dafoe and prefer the first movie over the others...we get another shot at Green Goblin.

That's a fucking Power Ranger.

But then, they announced that Andrew Garfield guy would be playing Spider-Man:

"Boys are yummy!"

And I figured it was all over.  Apparently they were opting on a "Twilight vibe" with Spider-Man.  It was bad enough that Tobey Maguire cried all of the fucking time as Peter Parker, and now you get a chance to take it all back, to make Spider-Man kinda cool again, and you go off and--------

Garfield as Spider-Man

Whoa, what the fuck is this?  The suit...it's all ribbed, and dynamic, and doesn't have that shitty raised silver webbing on it, and fuck me it looks pretty badass.  And that Garfield guy is kinda beat-up and looks pissed and the shot is all dark and...

Holy shit this looks kinda cool.

Even better?  The Bearded One's current "nerd crush" will be starring as Gwen Stacy.  The one...the only...Emma Stone (have my bearded babies, Emma).

Emma Stone as Gwen Stacy

This of course means, that we're already getting off to a good start by having Gwen Stacy as Peter Parker's first and original love interest.  And with a fantastic actress like Stone, there's a good chance of some serious emotional attachment to her character, which will no doubt leave the audience traumatized if and when (40-year old SPOILER ALERT!) the Green Goblin kills her.   

So I stand corrected about this one...until it releases, anyway.  Looks like we may finally get the "ultimate" Spider-Man movie.

See what I did there?   "Ultimate"?  Haha.  Ohhh me.

Mechanically-Separated Clowns

Now look, if you really need The Bearded One to tell you that McDonald's is bad for you, then you're far beyond helping as it is, and are probably already terribly obese.  If not, then you're somewhat dumb, and luckily enough to have a kicking metabolism---but your insides are probably more rotten than the mind of John Waters. 

"That was funny, you fucking whore!"

Basically, I'm not going to waste your time telling you shit that you already know.  However, I ran across this pic on the web today and couldn't resist sharing it:

 

That pink pasty substance which appears to be a yummy bubblegum-flavored toothpaste is in-fact "mechanically-separated chicken".  This gooey goodness is used to make many different things called "chicken" in the food industry, but most notably:

Chicken McPasties

AND:

Mmmmm-MMMM!

As stated in the preface, I always knew this shit was bad for you...and that what we perceived to be "chicken" wasn't always exactly "chicken", but I honestly had no idea that the rabbit-hole went this disgustingly deep.

To make matters worse, that pink goo is crawling with bacteria so their answer to that is soaking the substance in ammonia.  

All clean!

One problem with all of that ammonia though---it makes the pink goo taste terrible.  Probably like cat piss.

The solution?  Simple.  Artificial chicken flavoring!

"My ovaries are dead!"

 But wait---at this point it's bacteria-free, it tastes great...but our pink gooey substance is still "pink".

An equally scary "Pink".

Oh no sweat.  They just color it white so that it looks like chicken again. 

"They all float down here!...be--because they're fat."

Now, if you're wondering "what the fuck is mechanically-separated chicken?"...then I'm glad you asked.  (Oh you didn't?  Just shut up and listen).

MRM (mechanically recovered meat) is made by using high-pressure air channels to separate the bone from the rest of the meat by blowing the carcass against a strainer, or sieve.  Basically it's something Arnold Schwarzenegger would've done to one of the bad guys in an 80's movie...only afterward Arnold would've said something awesome like,

"You shouldn't strain yourself..."

OR,

"Well, that's one way to 'vent'..."

But then suddenly,

"I'm natta cheek-een!  Geet me oudda heya!"

If you want to read the source story of the mechanically-separated goo click here.  If you want to learn more about MRM and products that use MRM, then use Google because I'm not your bitch and I have other stuff to do right now.

Steadfast, fellow nerds.  

Now go have a salad (with a shitload of dressing on it because if you're like me you have a gag-reflex with lettuce).

WANTED: Loyal Dog & Shoulder-Pads...

In the scheme of things, the news of late is probably really nothing new.  Death and suffering pay the bills for the world's media leeches, and so therefore death and suffering is usually the only thing they have pictures of on their metaphorical restaurant menu.  

One cannot deny though that the world news has recently been a bit more than "odd".  In fact it's downright, "the shit that end-times prophecies are made of".

What started with 5,000 dead red-wing birds in Arkansas on New Years day (eerily enough), continued with dead birds dropping in several other parts of the US, and most recently, in California (this is still happening as we speak).

Then came the rest world.  Reports have come in now of random bird deaths in Sweden, Britain, Japan, Thailand, Brazil, and more recently in Italy. 

"Whatta de' hell?"

Add to this the accompanying unexplainable deaths of fish all over the globe, and you have the perfect preface to a Biblical prophecy of doom---or a really bad-ass post-apocalyptic movie (depending on how optimistic you choose to be).

Then there's that business of an "instant tsunami" hitting Australia yesterday and wrecking their shit real good by submerging a large city underwater.  I don't know what the fuck an "instant tsunami" really is, but it's safe to say it isn't a commonplace thing, and it didn't sound like it was very friendly, either.

"In a goddamn jar!"

And if all of this weren't enough, we have news in today about the Hubble Telescope discovering a "mysterious giant green blob in outer space that is strangely alive".  

"Ennnterpriiiise....."

This thing was first discovered by a Dutch school teacher, not by the idiots we're paying billions of dollars to annually to be on the lookout for this type of thing.  Apparently parts of this green blob are collapsing and somehow "creating stars" as a result.

Sounds fan-fucking-tastic...and in no way threatening.

So like the title says, I'm officially placing a wanted-ad today:

WANTED:  Loyal dog & shoulder-pads

I'll be seeing you on the deserted highways of No Man's Land soon my friends...

Things That Make Jesus Cry #465

Number 465 on the list of "Things That Make Jesus Cry" shouldn't have come as a surprise to me, considering the porn world has spoofed just about everything these days. 

Weird too, how despite the fact that the pornography industry brings in a larger annual revenue than Microsoft, Google, Amazon, Ebay, Yahoo, Apple and Netlflix combined, their production values are still shit. 

Considering that almost all of Hollywood's A-list talent do commercials overseas for side-change, you think with that kind of revenue someone could afford to put Daniel Day Lewis getting a "Cleveland-steamer" from Kate Winslet in a movie...but then that would just be gross.

(awkward pause)

(Get Gemma Aterton, and then we'll talk.)  

(Seriously...have you seen that broad?  Holy shit.)

Gemma Aterton

So without further ado, #465 on the list is:

The Simpsons XXX Parody.