The New Spider-Man: Not As Gay As Advertised?

When Sony announced they were shit-canning Sam Raimi and Tobey Maguire and giving the Spider-Man series a reboot, a great many nerds everywhere cried out in terror...and then were suddenly silenced (yes, like the people of Alderaan.  Very good.).

The Bearded One was happy, however.  Look, the first one was pretty good for the time, considering I never thought Spider-Man could be translated to the screen in a somewhat believable and entertaining way.  But the critically-adored Spider-Man 2 was a fucking trainwreck of huggy-feely wah wah wah my pussy hurts and such.  And Spider-Man 3 has endured enough punishment so I'll let that one speak for itself.

So I for one was glad to hear they were starting over.  I mean, I'll take Batman any day over a nerd with web-shooters, but in general I enjoy comic book movies.  But I never liked Maguire that much.  The guy gives me douche-chills.  

And Kirsten Dunst?  She ain't a bad actress.  But I don't know how we went from this:

By the amazing J.Scott Campbell

To this:

"I smell like cabbage."

So it was good to hear the series was getting a fresh start.  We get another shot at Venom.  We get another less "Robin Hood-y" version of The Sandman.  We get a less chubby version of Doctor Octopus.  And as much as I like Willem Dafoe and prefer the first movie over the others...we get another shot at Green Goblin.

That's a fucking Power Ranger.

But then, they announced that Andrew Garfield guy would be playing Spider-Man:

"Boys are yummy!"

And I figured it was all over.  Apparently they were opting on a "Twilight vibe" with Spider-Man.  It was bad enough that Tobey Maguire cried all of the fucking time as Peter Parker, and now you get a chance to take it all back, to make Spider-Man kinda cool again, and you go off and--------

Garfield as Spider-Man

Whoa, what the fuck is this?  The suit...it's all ribbed, and dynamic, and doesn't have that shitty raised silver webbing on it, and fuck me it looks pretty badass.  And that Garfield guy is kinda beat-up and looks pissed and the shot is all dark and...

Holy shit this looks kinda cool.

Even better?  The Bearded One's current "nerd crush" will be starring as Gwen Stacy.  The one...the only...Emma Stone (have my bearded babies, Emma).

Emma Stone as Gwen Stacy

This of course means, that we're already getting off to a good start by having Gwen Stacy as Peter Parker's first and original love interest.  And with a fantastic actress like Stone, there's a good chance of some serious emotional attachment to her character, which will no doubt leave the audience traumatized if and when (40-year old SPOILER ALERT!) the Green Goblin kills her.   

So I stand corrected about this one...until it releases, anyway.  Looks like we may finally get the "ultimate" Spider-Man movie.

See what I did there?   "Ultimate"?  Haha.  Ohhh me.

Mechanically-Separated Clowns

Now look, if you really need The Bearded One to tell you that McDonald's is bad for you, then you're far beyond helping as it is, and are probably already terribly obese.  If not, then you're somewhat dumb, and luckily enough to have a kicking metabolism---but your insides are probably more rotten than the mind of John Waters. 

"That was funny, you fucking whore!"

Basically, I'm not going to waste your time telling you shit that you already know.  However, I ran across this pic on the web today and couldn't resist sharing it:

 

That pink pasty substance which appears to be a yummy bubblegum-flavored toothpaste is in-fact "mechanically-separated chicken".  This gooey goodness is used to make many different things called "chicken" in the food industry, but most notably:

Chicken McPasties

AND:

Mmmmm-MMMM!

As stated in the preface, I always knew this shit was bad for you...and that what we perceived to be "chicken" wasn't always exactly "chicken", but I honestly had no idea that the rabbit-hole went this disgustingly deep.

To make matters worse, that pink goo is crawling with bacteria so their answer to that is soaking the substance in ammonia.  

All clean!

One problem with all of that ammonia though---it makes the pink goo taste terrible.  Probably like cat piss.

The solution?  Simple.  Artificial chicken flavoring!

"My ovaries are dead!"

 But wait---at this point it's bacteria-free, it tastes great...but our pink gooey substance is still "pink".

An equally scary "Pink".

Oh no sweat.  They just color it white so that it looks like chicken again. 

"They all float down here!...be--because they're fat."

Now, if you're wondering "what the fuck is mechanically-separated chicken?"...then I'm glad you asked.  (Oh you didn't?  Just shut up and listen).

MRM (mechanically recovered meat) is made by using high-pressure air channels to separate the bone from the rest of the meat by blowing the carcass against a strainer, or sieve.  Basically it's something Arnold Schwarzenegger would've done to one of the bad guys in an 80's movie...only afterward Arnold would've said something awesome like,

"You shouldn't strain yourself..."

OR,

"Well, that's one way to 'vent'..."

But then suddenly,

"I'm natta cheek-een!  Geet me oudda heya!"

If you want to read the source story of the mechanically-separated goo click here.  If you want to learn more about MRM and products that use MRM, then use Google because I'm not your bitch and I have other stuff to do right now.

Steadfast, fellow nerds.  

Now go have a salad (with a shitload of dressing on it because if you're like me you have a gag-reflex with lettuce).