Why 2011 Will Rock Your Balls Off...

If you've been keeping up with The Bearded One at all, then you know I was more than a little relieved to give 2010 the boot, and to welcome the warm embrace of 2011.  It occurred to me though, that perhaps not all of you had a horrible time in 2010.  Perhaps not all of you had financial woes.  Perhaps not all of you had your asses kicked by your girlfriend because you brought home herpes (twice!).  Perhaps not all of you had to learn the hard way how to dissolve a dead hooker's body in a bathtub of sulfuric acid and lime.


Perhaps I've said too much.


Here are a few reasons then, for the rest of you, why 2011 will ROCK YOUR BALLS OFF!


(in no particular order)


(aaaannnnd if you don't actually have balls you can hopefully appreciate the sentiment as a mere metaphor)

3-25-11 -  Sucker Punch

Zack Snyder, the guy who brought us Dawn of the Dead, 300, and The Watchmen directs this trippy action/sci-fi/adventure/dramatic flick about---well look I don't really know what the fuck it's about, but all I really need to know is that there are some incredibly sexy women dressed like sluts kicking serious ass...

giant robot...

fighter planes...

dragon...

*(splooge!).

(clean that shit up)

(you disgust me)

 

4-17-2011 -  Game of Thrones (HBO)

Look, I could never get into fantasy literature.  I apologize to the nerd-half of me for that.  I read a lot of Robert E. Howard's stuff, merely because I have a strange man-crush on Conan and because I've always been fascinated with the legacy of Howard himself, but for the most part fantasy literature is just...well it's just....

It's juuuust soooo goddamn neeeerdy.

Regardless, I'm familiar enough with nerddom to know that "A Game of Thrones" was big shit in that particular genre of literature, and everyone wanted to see movies made of course, but the problem with ever seeing a film adaption of the story was obviously due to the scope of the project, considering that Thrones is the first of a 7 book series, and Hollywood just barely managed to finish that 3-part Narnia fiasco.  

Not to mention, I also understand that the books are notorious for being extremely violent, and often raunchy.

So who else I ask you, could ever possibly bring a story of that magnitude to the screen in a somewhat faithful manner?

HBO, of course.  They've got your violence and tits covered.  Add in that they can shoot a "15 hour long movie" and call it "Season One", then it's a done deal, folks.  And hopefully all of the fantasy nerds will forgive me for my broad generalization here (and while we're at it, I just rolled a "8" so my Warrior just struck your Orc with a....fuck it), but if we're looking at anything remotely cool as say, 

"Deadwood meets Lord of the Rings!" or, 

"If The Sopranos fucked Excalibur and they had a kid!", then I'm all-in, baby.

Essentially, I'm a big fan of the sword & sorcery shit, so if you bring me an hour of that weekly, with virtually no limit on the amount of violence, nudity or budget...then I'll loyally watch.

5-20-11 -  Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides 

The weakest-link of the series has been removed (hello, Orlando) and Captain Jack is back.  Throw in the return of Captain Barbossa, the sexy as fuck Penelope Cruz, and the amazing Ian McShane as Blackbeard, and we're bound to have an awe-inspiring nerdfest---and realistically, probably the best movie of the summer.

5-26-11 -  The Hangover 2  

Quit being that pretentious prick who doesn't like it because everyone else does.  Yes, it's kind of weird that even the really stupid people you know on Facebook like The Hangover as well, but get the fuck over yourself and appreciate the fact that something good actually got some credit for being good for a change.

Come on, man...Bill Clinton and Liam Neeson have cameos in it.  This could be absurdly epic.

7-1-11 - Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Naw, I'm just kidding.  This will blow.  

(Oh man, you shoulda' seen your face...)

7-22-11 -  Captain America: The First Avenger

Alright before you say anything, just stop.  STOP!  I know it sounds gay.  And although I'm a fan of comics, I'm not sure if I ever believed they would be capable of bringing Captain America to the screen and make it worth a fuck.  But you've seen the shots, right?

Okay, okay so I know that director Joe Johnston isn't exactly---what?  He directed The Pagemaster?

Alright but The Wolfman wasn't actually so terrible, despite what people---fuck me, he directed Jurassic Park 3?

Alright well he also did The Rocketeer, which wasn't necessarily a "good" movie, but it definitely has that Golden Era feel about it that you need to---okay Hidalgo?  Are you fucking serious?

Hmm.

Okay, but they hired Rick Heinrichs as the production designer.  The guy has produced more iconic imagery as a production designer than that hack Stanley Kubrick ever did as a director.

See here for yourself.

And...you saw the shots, right?

 

8-19-2011 -  Fright Night

I'm a huge fan of the original Fright Night, so obviously when I heard they were remaking it I did the typical "outraged nerd" thing and wrote letters, started "official" Facebook pages, and kidnapped the children of Hollywood producers who were funding the project.  The more I'm hearing about it though, the more I'm actually anticipating it.  

So.....I gave the kids back (but NOT without their fair share of cigarette burns!).

The role of Charlie, the kid who discovers his new neighbor is a vampire, will now be played by Anton Yelchin.  Now you think you don't know who the fuck that is, but he's the kid who played Chekov in the new Star Trek, and he played Young Kyle Reese in Terminator Salvation.  The little Russian bastard's a damn fine actor, so that's one in the + column.  

Jerry Dandridge, the creepy fucking womanizing douchebag vampire who torments Charlie because he knows he knows, but he knows he can keep everyone else around Charlie from believing what he actually knows, will be played by Colin Farrell.  I honestly didn't know how to react when I first heard this, but now somehow I absolutely see him pulling this off.  

My favorite character in the film, Peter Vincent, will be played by that Doctor Who guy, David Tennant.  I'm not sure about this one, since Peter Vincent was basically supposed to be Vincent Price.  I'm not sure how a younger dude will work in this role, but I'm open to the idea.  He has that certainly clumsy British quality to pull something like this off.

And finally, the part of Evil Ed, the best friend of Charlie who gets turned into a vampire early on, and becomes a fantastic foil character with creepy/comedic moments throughout, will be played by none other than "McLovin"---Christopher Mintz-Plasse.

I have a feeling that if everything else about this movie fails, McLovin' as Evil Ed will be fucking epic.

Fall 2011 -  Batman: Arkham City (PS3/Xbox 360) 

I was like everyone else when Batman: Arkham Asylum came out, and to tell you "how I was" I will use the following transcript from "A Totally Gnarly Dude I Know".

"He was all like, 'no fucking way, dude!  Batman games are never good, dude.  The last good one was like, that old Animated Series game on Super Nintendo.  

(laughs)  

Damn that was a long fucking time ago.'

So anyway, he actually played it finally, and he was all like, 'Holy shit dude this is fucking awesome!'"

-A Totally Gnarly Dude I Know

Needless to say, I was impressed with Batman: Arkham Asylum, and to hear that this time around the environments are larger, the villains are broader, and we're racing to save Catwoman?

Dude.

"Duuuude!"

Dude, I know.

(various dates)  -  Hot Toys 12" Action Figure Goodness

If you aren't familiar with the company out of China called Hot Toys, but you are however interested in the nerd-realm of action figures and the like, be very cautious when leaving this page to Google them.  Their products, if not prepared for what you will see, can be earth-shattering.  

Forget it, I'll show you some of what's coming.  Just....take it easy, alright?

Alice from Resident Evil Afterlife

Movie Thor

These are not merely "action figures", but incredibly life-like replicas of people---typically characters from nerd-favorite films---with unbelievable attention to detail for such a small scale.  The 12" bodies have almost the same amount of articulation as a real human, the clothing is authentic down to the laces on their shoes, the weapons have moveable parts, etc, etc, etc.

In late December Hot Toys announced they would be producing figures from Raiders of the Lost Ark, Pirates of the Caribbean 4, Batman (1989), Superman (1979), and Sucker Punch.  Several other licenses were mentioned, and there are undoubtedly more to come, but those are plenty noteworthy.  I plan on performing my first purse snatching to fund these (keep that between us).

10-14-2011 -  The Thing Prequel 

John Carpenter's 1982 film The Thing is easily one of the Top 20 greatest movies ever made.  There.  I said it.

And if you wanna narrow that to "horror films", I would confidently say it's in the Top 5.  

Sci-Fi?  Probably Top 3, but that requires more thought than I had planned on.

That being said, you're probably shocked that this remake/reboot/prequel would even make it on my 2011 Rock Your Balls Off list.  The reason is---

Hang on, seriously.  I mean really, if you haven't watched The Thing in a long time, or God forbid ever, just stop what you're doing and rent it or buy it or steal it.  It's creepy how well that movie has held up over the years.  It's just that fucking good.  Really.

Anyway, the reason The Bearded Nerd is actually both anticipating and greatly appreciative of this new version?  

It's not a remake.  

Thank you, Bearded Nerd Jesus.  

Instead, it's a prequel set in the Norwegian camp---the same guys who originally came in contact with "the thing".

Essentially, this movie should end where the 1982 version began, with the Norwegian dudes shooting at the infected dog from a helicopter.  That's actually pretty fucking brilliant.  Other great news?  

1.) This film has the blessings of John Carpenter himself (he also signed-off on a remake of They Live to the same director, which is a good movie that actually does needs a remake).

2.) They're minimizing CGI in favor of animatronic effects to attempt a more seamless transition between the two films.

3.) It will definitely be rated R.

4.) They're keeping the original Ennio Morricone score (granted this didn't bode well for Superman Returns, but we'll see).


You can read more about the film here.

11-11-11 -  The Elder Scrolls V (PS3/Xbox 360)

For people like The Bearded One, it's often tough to find a game you can actually enjoy.  I'm not a big fan of FPS's like Call of Duty.  Real-time-strategies like Civilization confuse and bore the holy hell right outta me.  Racing is hackneyed and gay.  And most role-playing games are either cheesy and lame, or boring and dry.

So granted, there are only a few games which have come along and basically caused me to become so invested in them that my real existence suffered greatly.  For instance, I lost my wife because of Grand Theft Auto IV.  My infant children almost starved to death when the first HALO came along.  And I almost ran out and bought a full suit of armor with a real sword, therefore guaranteeing I would never again feel the warmth of a woman when The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind came out.

Since then, The Elder Scrolls series has given us Oblivion, which was pretty good, but no match for Morrowind.  The Oblivion Gates and combat system took a lot away from it, but here's hoping the nerds at Bethesda get this one right.  

And I'm sure they will.

If that's not enough, this game will center around my favorite race of characters in the game: the Nords.

 

Time to drink a flask of mead and feast at the throne of nerddom!

11-1-11 -  Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception (PS3)

I finally broke down and bought a PS3 just months before Uncharted 2 was released, namely because they were on sale and because I was on my third Xbox 360 which was in-turn, apparently on it's last-leg.  Considering that the PS3 doesn't have many exclusive titles to choose from, I ran out and bought the first Uncharted game, and from that moment on I've been hooked.

The guys who make these games, Naughty Dog, are almost taunting the losers at LucasArts by showing them how to make the perfect adventure game for a character like Indiana Jones, without using Indiana Jones at all.  Instead they created a whole new world of rich characters and intriguing stories, and therefore left the douchebags at LucasArts holding a leaky bag of tricks full of nothing but more Force Unleashed abortions.

Uncharted 1 & 2 are easily in the top 5 greatest games ever made, and it doesn't look like they plan on disappointing with the third one by doing something incredibly stupid like...oh, say...HALO 2, or everything Hideo Kojima has done after Metal Gear Solid.

(all year) -  The Cape (NBC)

 Hahaha no, I'm just kidding again.

10 days into 2011 and we already know this show is a clothes-hanger abortion in the backseat of a stolen El Camino.

So that's it fellow nerds (bearded and non-bearded alike).  At least, that's what is on my radar at the moment.  And yeah I know I forgot that fucking Thor movie, but honestly, as much as I want that to be awesome, I'm very worried that it will suck as bad as the trailers are trying to tell us it will suck without coming right out and saying, "hey I suck".

"Dude that was fucking confusing...but funny!"

Thanks, Gnarly Dude.