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| "OMG I swallowed a fart!" |
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| "PAYNUS!" |
Oh, and that sexy thing some women can do with a ping-pong ball (if you consider that a sport). Yes, once again it's time for NFL Football. For badasses like The Bearded One, who love the sport with every fiber of their being, it's kind of like having a holiday twice a week from September until well into February.
That's only counting Sundays and Monday Night Football, because let's face it, Thursday Night Football has been a goddamn trainwreck lately.
And if you're anything like me, your year takes a turn for the worse in late February, when the realization sets-in that you're about to run the dreaded gauntlet of spring and summer, with nothing to really look forward to but lots of hard work, hot weather, and motherfucking baseball (the female equivalent of "physical sports").
My Sunday ritual is pretty much always the same: I wake up around 9:30, possibly hungover, and deal with the punishing guilt that I should be getting ready for church. To alleviate this guilt, I'll often strike my children, or throw empty bottles at them, and then I'm back in business in no time.
My first stop on the dial is ESPN for some pregame entertainment. And every Sunday I suffer the same realization:
Keyshawn Johnson is still employed.
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| "I fuck ah' white gurl in dey butt!" |
But it doesn't just stop with ESPN and their Keyshawn Johnson infestation. It seems like the standards in NFL broadcasting have sunk to all-new lows recently.
At one time it was required that you have at least one of two things going for you before they let you on television to tell other people what they were doing wrong in the NFL:
1. Prior experience in sports journalism
2. You were not just an athlete at some point, but you were a talented and successful one
By having one of those two qualifications, you could legitimately tutor and analyze other people in the league, and the people sitting at home watching would think, "maybe he's onto something" instead of, "who's that fucking retard?"
That way, your words actually fucking meant something.
Now the only requirement appears to be that at one time or another, an NFL team cut you a paycheck for wearing their uniform.
KEYSHAWN JOHNSON (ESPN)
I can't honestly sit here and tell you that Fucktard Johnson is the worst of the lot, but he's the first one that comes to mind since it's Sunday morning and I'm watching ESPN because the vastly superior in every way Fox pregame show hasn't started yet. (Terry, Howie & Jimmy: have my baby)
In 10 years' time, Keyshawn played on 4 different teams. Namely because he was a pain in the fucking ass and no one could stand him. Basically he was "that guy you know who doesn't have any friends, and feels sorry for himself because of it, and you kinda feel bad about it too so you give him a chance as a friend and he fucks you over royally, and then you understand why the motherfucker didn't have any friends to begin with".
This asshole wrote a book about his experiences as a rookie in the NFL titled, "Just Give Me the Damn Ball".
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| "Just gimme ah' damn ghost writer!" |
No, I had no fucking clue of that either until I started doing research for this here rant.
Keyshawn got lucky with his second team (the Bucs) because they got lucky that same year when Jon Gruden won a Super Bowl with Tony Dungy's team. I'm no fan of Dungy...but that's simply the reality of it, folks.
The following season though, Gruden de-activated his ass for the last 7 games because the bastard was so fucking intolerable.
After that came a short stint in Dallas under Bill Parcells (who for some goddamn reason thought he could put a leash on this baboon), and he ended his short and pathetic career in Carolina.
Actually, "ended" wouldn't be the correct word. He was "released" (once again) by Carolina, humorously enough, after he recommended they draft a younger receiver to be his understudy. Keyshawn wanted a Jedi Padawan, essentially.
And they did just that.
And then they cut Keyshawn's ass.
MATT MILLEN (NFL NETWORK)
Oh wow. Really?
Really?
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| "Really." |
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| "Thanks, Bearded One!" |
For any of you who might be female or homosexual, the "0" stands for "zero wins", and the "16" stands for how many times they lost. Essentially, they lost every single game they played when Matt fucking Millen was their GM that season.
Between 2001-2003 under his regime, the Lions failed to win a road game. That's 0-24 on the road. In 2003 he had a breakdown and repeatedly shouted "faggot" at one of the opposing teams' wide receivers (Johnny Morton of the Chiefs). In 2010 he called fellow broadcaster Ron Jaworski a "polack" while covering the NFL Draft for ESPN.
That's a staggering amount of FAIL.
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| "Heh...staggering" |
(okay, so the Polack remark was kind of funny)
TRENT DILFER (ESPN)
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| "Dilfer sit." |
You gotta be shitting me. Seriously, I couldn't fucking believe the first time I saw this guy in a suit talking about the great sport of football. This stupid bastard won one Super Bowl on the shoulders of Ray Lewis' Ravens defense but did little else with his tenure in the NFL but suck.
Shit, The Bearded One himself could have won a Bowl with that defense, and I haven't tossed a ball in years (although it goes without saying that when I did, I was fantastic).
And after bouncing around to 5 different teams, this stupid bastard had a fitting end to a shitty career by being forced into retirement because he injured his Achilles' tendon while playing basketball in the off-season. And in true jackass fashion, he claimed that he had planned on retiring anyway.
Regardless, I didn't realize you could actually get injured playing women's sports.
And it isn't enough for Trent Dilfer to be merely under-qualified as a broadcaster/analyst. He takes it a step further by being the most critical analyst around when discussing other NFL quarterbacks. You sir, couldn't kiss the ass of Peyton Manning while on a ladder, so STFU.
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| "Shit, man!" |
And don't make eye-contact with me or I'll put another cigarette out on your back (DMECWMOIPACOOYB).
I use that one while chatting with hookers on the net.
PHIL SIMMS (CBS)
If anyone is out of their element on television or behind a microphone, it is New York's own, Phil Simms. This guy just gives me douche chills. He's credited with winning 2 Super Bowls, but how history (and Wikipedia) have forgotten that Jeff Hostetler actually won that second fucking game because Baby Simms was hurt, blows me away (and makes me want to load my weapons).
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| "Eat my 70's porn-star dick, Phil" |
Phil actually won "a" Super Bowl, with Lawrence Taylor and Bill Parcell's defense carrying all of the actual weight *(see Trent Dilfer and the Ravens above).
Because of that, now Jim Nantz (who is actually a pretty good commentator) has to sit in the booth every Sunday and carry all of Phil's dead-weight (not unlike Lawrence Taylor did) because this jackass is so glib and narcissistic that he can't see past his own fucking ego long enough to provide somewhat decent color-commentary.
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| "I only suck waynus that is this big or more" |
When he's breaking-down team strategies throughout the game, we're treated to a 15 second clip called "PHIL-osophy" (get it?) which is prefaced by a quick snippet of this fucktard throwing a pass as a New York Giant. This is basically to remind everyone watching that he actually played football, and is not just a strange freak with blonde eyebrows who wandered into the commentator's booth.
The audience is told this, because his career can't speak for itself, obviously.
This Thanksgiving I had to watch in horror, as Phil fucking Simms awarded the supremely talented Tom Brady with a fucking "All-Iron Award" bearing the name and number of none other than (you guessed it), Phil Simms. I'm sure Brady proudly displayed that on his mantle. And by "mantle" I mean the locker room at Ford Field where they were playing that day, and where that goddamn trophy is probably still sitting, like macaroni art that your kid gives you and you go, "Oh WOW! Thank you!" and then as soon as they forget about it you trash it.
TRENT GREEN (NFL NETWORK)
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| "Dan Ferrigno, brother of Lou" |
I'll be perfectly honest, here: Trent Dilfer doesn't do anything on television that particularly drives me batshit, it's just the fact that he's there when he shouldn't be.
Kind of like how "The Graduate" is on the AFI Top 100.
The fact is, he was the great last hope of the St. Louis Rams, and did nothing but get injured and serve as the harbinger to Kurt Warner. Then he was grandfathered to the Kansas City Chiefs by Dick Vermeil, who was (for some reason) absolutely convinced that Green was the next big shit...and the rest is history.
And by "history" I mean that most of you don't even know who the fuck Trent Green is, so that speaks for itself.
The lesson here should be that if you get cut from a Canadian Football League team (true story), you probably shouldn't attempt a career in the NFL.
SHANNON SHARPE (CBS)
I honestly can't sit here and tell you that Shannon Sharpe sucked as a player, and that he doesn't deserve to make a living out of analyzing the game. He was a damn good tight-end with a successful career.
And if I could understand half of what he is saying on that CBS pregame show, I would probably agree with it. But let's face it, the man is barely speaking coherently as it is, and once he gets excited it's all over with. At that point you just hear a series of grunts and the shower of spittle as it bounces off of Dan Marino and Boomer Esiason.
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| "Beerbeb Nerb...owel fuck u oop!" |
Enjoy your Sunday, football fans.
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