"The American" Reviewed by The Italian

Today's guest-review is of the film "The American" starring George Clooney.  It's an honor to have my good friend, "The Italian" reviewing this piece of--er, movie.
                                                                                              THE BEARDED NERD

Last night I watcha' The American witha' the George Clooney about the hitman anda' the home country.  I don't know whata' happened in it, because nothing getsa'splained, but I can only guess that the Clooney tooka' the role because he owns a villa in Italy, anda' he gets to make the sweet love to a beautiful naked woman through all of the movie.

The lady Mr. Clooney gets to roll around with in this movie is named Violante Placido, anda' she is much lika' young Sophia Loren...

Violante Placido

Whicha' means I would really wrecka' her business if given the chance.  Her perfect breasts are doing the jiggly arounda' throughout this movie, and the Clooney cannot be made to blame for never reading the scripta' when he agreed to be in it. 

I mean really though, Ima' told nothing about his character.  Yes, yes...I see the tattoo ona' his arm and think maybe he's ina' the military at some point.  I geet it.  But what's witha' that faggy butterfly tattoo ona' his back?

He lika' the men, too?  I don't know.  

It's nota'splained.  

I mean surely we're not meant to thinka' he lika' the butterfly and must be set-free from his life of the killing for the money...because thatsa' really faggy.

Who is this woman he make the gun for?  Who she plan to killing?  He maybe make the gun, when hesa' the target all the time?  I don't know.  

They don'ta'splain it.  

Who is this old man he worka' for?  

Never'splained. 

And the movie, shesa' pretty, yes.  Very nice shooting, anda' the Clooney don't talk much so that way you don't see his head doing the bouncy-bouncy lika' the basa'ball player toys you see all the time.

And yes did I mention you see Violante Placido's lush Italian hills many, many times over?

And whata' was up in that one scene, huh?  Was the Clooney committing the sodomy ona' that lady?  Thatsa' not cool.  But I don't know.  

It'sa never'splained.  

Bah.  I don't geet it.

I give "The American" witha' the George Clooney and the lush Italian mounds of delight:

Thanks for reading my words.  Now maybe I go and do the Google ona' Ms. Placido anda' beat myself ina' ways that make my mother cry.

The Italian